criminaljustice | Imeeji Inbox

You don't believe me? You should.

You're still alive, after all. You're here. You're not one of the damned, you're not some shadow of a person with no identity to call his own. You're Joker, and you're surviving, no matter how much shit is being thrown your way.

Just surviving in a place like this is a sign of strength.

It's not just surviving.

... if I really wanted, I could... thrive in a place like this. Probably...

[and he's just... that's bad? thaaaaat's baaaaad???

anyway, back to the whole Oh Shit Demons thing.]

[. . . yeah, they've talked about this before. and the question Mars asks is firm and direct]

Do you want to thrive in a place like this?

It'd be easy.

[flat answer in response.]

[but then he takes a breath and runs a hand through his hair.]

--I... no? If it's about want, then... no. That'd be... letting those assholes win, right?

[of course it'd be easy. just like many of the things Mars wants to do would be easy. detach, act like he doesn't care, smoke a cigarette and watch hell burn while everyone else in it kills themselves trying to escape]

[he still wants to do that. . . sometimes. still wants to flip off every single feeling of fond affection he has for anyone here and disengage]

[but he doesn't]

It's always about what you want.

Always.

We don't always get what we want.

[because that's really the hardest part in all of this.]

Why does... everyone act like we always have a choice here. Sometimes it's not about choice, it's about time and whether or not you'll get worn down and I'm tired...

[and he sounds and feels like a child while also having 200 years of insanity under his belt, so like. LMAO. WANTS. CHOICE. OK. YEAH, SURE.]

Because for something like this? It is.

Agency might be a fucking joke in games, or when demons decide to whisper sweet nothings into your brain, but even when that happens? They still can't take from you what exists in here.

[thumps Joker's chest, right above his heart. very pointedly]

Not permanently. Not forever. Only you can decide to give that up. Because the state of being worn down and tired isn't a permanent one.

Edited 2019-01-14 03:46 (UTC)

[hope you wanted a vaguely distressed face because it sure doesn't feel that way.]

... I broke before.

[SO, IN FACT? NOT STRONG?]

[he says to someone still currently broken, and. . . managing?? maybe??]

[but no, this isn't about Mars. and he isn't about to make it that way]

The state of being broken isn't permanent, either. And I'm pretty damn sure what measures strength isn't whether we break or not, but whether we can piece ourselves back together again afterwards.

I'm trying.

I've been... trying...

[but it just feels like spinning his wheels and getting nowhere.]

[SIGHS. . .]

[. . . and he drops his hackles, dropping his offensive tone]

Give yourself more time.

[WHAT TIME?!

but he doesn't say anything, leaning back against the wall and tilting his head back to thunk against it because he knows lashing out at Mars won't fix the frustration or the doubts.]

[it wouldn't, but Mars would probably welcome it anyway. he's a damn good punching bag]

. . .

[eventually he leans back, to give Joker a bit of space]

. . . well?

... well, what?

[it's not like he's happy to hear the only option is "more time"]

. . . are you going to keep running?

... I don't really have anywhere else to go.

[. . . hffffs]

[. . .]

[plants both hands on Joker's cheeks and leans forward until their foreheads are touching]

[buddy bond: activate!! and the first thing Joker feels?]

[a few buzzing, anxious nerves that Mars isn't doing this right, coupled with genuine concern, both of which are overpowered by an immense desire to CALM JOKER DOWN and make him feel better :( :( :(]

[... first thing is a bit of internal futile scream of frustration, anger, and panic? or... something like that--at himself, at the state of things, at not being able to fix anything and things he wants slipping from his grasp. which immediately gets shoved back into the background when he feels the buddy bond take effect, tensing a bit.

unfortunately, shoving that back just leaves the feeling of being lost and confused and a bit unmoored, but also trapped and cornered--less by Mars and more by the situation he's been venting about.

but while he does tense initially, has the kneejerk reaction of trying to shove everything down like swallowing something very bitter and gross, he does relax after a moment, breathing a bit rough because he's trying not to be desperate about needing the connection but... in fact... echo chamber of deep loneliness exists. hi.]

[oh wow, that sure is. a lot more than he's been able to sense off of Joker before. and a lot of it resonates with him, yanks similar feelings out of the annals of his own emotions, allowing them to mingle for a few brief seconds before Mars is the one shoving them aside. because this isn't about him, or how he feels; it's about Joker, and Joker's issues, and those are what he wants to focus on first]

[he focuses on that calm, on that desire for good and nice and happy things, and hopes that Joker takes the hint and does his emotional amplification thing. not for Mars's sake, but-- so Mars can at least impart some of those feelings onto Joker]

[he does not, actually, take the hint, and instead kind of emotionally leans against those feelings, especially when the feeling of commiseration abruptly ends.

there is actual leaning into the hands on his face though and he works to... calm down.]

[. . . well, that's okay. so long as he's leaning into Mars's own emotions in an attempt to calm down, they don't necessarily need to have anything amplified]

You're fine.

[he mutters, at some point]

You're okay.

[he's not and he knows it but also focusing on literally anything else but him right now is something he's desperately needing but also he needs to fix himself but also--

anyway, arms going around Mars because also solid connections with reality is nice. re-orientates him a bit while those emotions settle back into their usual spots, leaving him tired but calmer.]

[TIRED BUT CALMER IS FINE. Mars will let Joker settle, fingers stealing into his hair, carding gently through curly locks that are somehow both familiar and not all at once]

[shhhh no more feelings, only hairpets now]

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