[... nnnngh... reaching for his hand with a sigh.]
I'm just saying that I've already gotten a lot of people roaming around in my head...
[not that he really minds Mars' poking around but... he's tired--is basically the first thing that will crop up with Buddy Bond. followed close by some twinges of hurt and frustration less aimed at Mars and more aimed at older problems.
beyond that, mostly just curiosity about what Mars is wigging out about specifically.]
Yeah, well. . . [a little quiet] You let me in willingly before. . .
[not that that means Joker had to let him in again, but the bond is met with a small twinge of gratefulnes on Mars’s end when he does. underneath that is. . . a constant buzzing of anxiety, like a hive of bees, like the thrum of electricity. it’s low key and easily dismissed, but always there, humming in the background]
[— and Mars would go ahead and focus on what he wants to share, but then there’s Joker’s hurt, and that takes him by surprise enough for his gaze to snap up from their enjoined hands]
[curiosity, a flash of guilt— Joker did just have people running through his Palace after all, and here Mars is one day later coming to him with feelings— before he brushes all that aside and takes in a deep breath]
[. . .]
Do you ever feel like. . . there’s some part of you that’s so instinctual, so grounded, so immutable that every time you try to change it, it feels like swimming against a heavy current? And then you feel like you’re drowning, so you start panicking, start trying to reach out for a lifeline from someone— anyone— wiling to reach out at you in return?
[tttentative hesitation on his end of the bond, the anxiety increasing a bit. Mars is tapping his foot against the ground now, a rapid movement that’s super obnoxious with every beat]
[another beat, and Mars curls his free arm against the table and presses his face against it as he lets go of whatever he was holding back on the buddy bond. and suddenly there’s a flood of absolute terror, the kind that petrifies a person in place and freezes the blood in their veins like ice. it washes over the bond like a rush of cold water, and it’s all directed at one complex web of issues]
[a fear of attachment. a fear of emotional intimacy. a fear of forming bonds, a fear of losing them again, doubt on whether the warmth of a connection is worth the pain of loss and whether the pain of loneliness is really worse than the pain of losing someone you care about]
And they tell you that you don’t have anything to worry about. That they’re going to care about you no matter what. That they’re not going anywhere, that nobody can live free of connections no matter how hard they try, that you’re stupid for trying to keep people at an arm’s length. And it isn’t that you disagree with them, but you can’t help but feel like they don’t quite understand how instinctual it is, and you can’t really explain it ‘cause you don’t have the memories that help you understand why you’re like this. You just know that you are, and every day you’re trying to be better, but no matter how hard you try some part of your heart is always afraid anyway and you know that’s just how it’s gonna be.
[a pause. . .]
I don’t mean to shove all of the emptional competency onto someone else. I get that other people have trouble with feelings, too. It’s not just an issue I have. But—
[. . .]
I’m afraid of fucking up because I self-sabotage in an attempt to protect myself, ‘cause that’s what my instincts tell me to do.
especially since Joker's main issue has been the doubting of anything done being real but this is very real--or feels very real in any case and it takes him a moment to recovery himself after getting a bit overwhelmed by those emotions, listening as Mars walks through the mess
and when he's done... Joker just exhales roughly.]
Then just tell him that.
[probably saying it a bit more roughly than he needs to but also--dragging a hand across his face because it's a lot and thinking is hard but...]
Head off the problem of the kneejerk reaction by at least arming him with the knowledge that you can and might have that sort of reaction to shove everyone away in a bid of some... misguided self-preservation?
He can't do anything to help you if you don't let him.
I know I'm making it sound easy by saying "just tell him what you told me" because there are some things... other people might not get. But you've seen Lily's memories, right? You know he has some experience with disassociating with other people. So... trust him to understand the underlying problem.
[huffs a little, not lifting his head from the table, and just as quickly as the fear rushed into the bond. . . it’s gone again, shoved into the can where it belongs, the lid screwed on as tightly as Mars can manage]
He already knows.
[and now there’s just. . . a sense of wryness on Mars’s part, edged with the slightest sense of contriteness. a bit of an apology, for the intensity of those feelings]
Then you're already doing a lot better than you keep saying you are.
So don't beat yourself up or think you're going to do badly at it. That's just conditioning you so that if you do make a mistake, you'll just go into a tailspin of I Knew It! I Was Always Going To Fuck It Up! and that's how we end up with things like people dramatically standing on roofs and informing everyone of their terribleness.
[SNORTS IN AMUSEMENT, and then finally lifts his head from his arm, gaze flickering up towards Joker. the bond shuts off, but he doesn’t let go of his mirror’s hand]
Do you know why I keep freaking out at you, of all people, about this?
You already know you're doing as well as you can be. Even if there's doubt. So mostly you just need someone to point out when you're letting the doubts get to you.
no subject
I'm just saying that I've already gotten a lot of people roaming around in my head...
[not that he really minds Mars' poking around but... he's tired--is basically the first thing that will crop up with Buddy Bond. followed close by some twinges of hurt and frustration less aimed at Mars and more aimed at older problems.
beyond that, mostly just curiosity about what Mars is wigging out about specifically.]
no subject
[not that that means Joker had to let him in again, but the bond is met with a small twinge of gratefulnes on Mars’s end when he does. underneath that is. . . a constant buzzing of anxiety, like a hive of bees, like the thrum of electricity. it’s low key and easily dismissed, but always there, humming in the background]
[— and Mars would go ahead and focus on what he wants to share, but then there’s Joker’s hurt, and that takes him by surprise enough for his gaze to snap up from their enjoined hands]
Ah. . .
no subject
--anyway. Why're you so set on this "I'm not good at this" thing, anyway? It's not like that's going to help you if you limit yourself.
no subject
[curiosity, a flash of guilt— Joker did just have people running through his Palace after all, and here Mars is one day later coming to him with feelings— before he brushes all that aside and takes in a deep breath]
[. . .]
Do you ever feel like. . . there’s some part of you that’s so instinctual, so grounded, so immutable that every time you try to change it, it feels like swimming against a heavy current? And then you feel like you’re drowning, so you start panicking, start trying to reach out for a lifeline from someone— anyone— wiling to reach out at you in return?
[tttentative hesitation on his end of the bond, the anxiety increasing a bit. Mars is tapping his foot against the ground now, a rapid movement that’s super obnoxious with every beat]
no subject
actually. yeah. that seems familiar.
pang of empathy and also a bit of guilt because... mirror shenanigans in his heart.]
--and even when you try to explain it, people don't really treat it with the gravity that it feels like it should be treated with.
[yeah, he knows.]
no subject
[hunches his shoulders a bit and nods]
. . . yeah.
[another beat, and Mars curls his free arm against the table and presses his face against it as he lets go of whatever he was holding back on the buddy bond. and suddenly there’s a flood of absolute terror, the kind that petrifies a person in place and freezes the blood in their veins like ice. it washes over the bond like a rush of cold water, and it’s all directed at one complex web of issues]
[a fear of attachment. a fear of emotional intimacy. a fear of forming bonds, a fear of losing them again, doubt on whether the warmth of a connection is worth the pain of loss and whether the pain of loneliness is really worse than the pain of losing someone you care about]
And they tell you that you don’t have anything to worry about. That they’re going to care about you no matter what. That they’re not going anywhere, that nobody can live free of connections no matter how hard they try, that you’re stupid for trying to keep people at an arm’s length. And it isn’t that you disagree with them, but you can’t help but feel like they don’t quite understand how instinctual it is, and you can’t really explain it ‘cause you don’t have the memories that help you understand why you’re like this. You just know that you are, and every day you’re trying to be better, but no matter how hard you try some part of your heart is always afraid anyway and you know that’s just how it’s gonna be.
[a pause. . .]
I don’t mean to shove all of the emptional competency onto someone else. I get that other people have trouble with feelings, too. It’s not just an issue I have. But—
[. . .]
I’m afraid of fucking up because I self-sabotage in an attempt to protect myself, ‘cause that’s what my instincts tell me to do.
no subject
especially since Joker's main issue has been the doubting of anything done being real but this is very real--or feels very real in any case and it takes him a moment to recovery himself after getting a bit overwhelmed by those emotions, listening as Mars walks through the mess
and when he's done... Joker just exhales roughly.]
Then just tell him that.
[probably saying it a bit more roughly than he needs to but also--dragging a hand across his face because it's a lot and thinking is hard but...]
Head off the problem of the kneejerk reaction by at least arming him with the knowledge that you can and might have that sort of reaction to shove everyone away in a bid of some... misguided self-preservation?
He can't do anything to help you if you don't let him.
I know I'm making it sound easy by saying "just tell him what you told me" because there are some things... other people might not get. But you've seen Lily's memories, right? You know he has some experience with disassociating with other people. So... trust him to understand the underlying problem.
no subject
He already knows.
[and now there’s just. . . a sense of wryness on Mars’s part, edged with the slightest sense of contriteness. a bit of an apology, for the intensity of those feelings]
no subject
So don't beat yourself up or think you're going to do badly at it. That's just conditioning you so that if you do make a mistake, you'll just go into a tailspin of I Knew It! I Was Always Going To Fuck It Up! and that's how we end up with things like people dramatically standing on roofs and informing everyone of their terribleness.
[look. Joker loves A, but don't be A, Mars.]
no subject
[SNORTS IN AMUSEMENT, and then finally lifts his head from his arm, gaze flickering up towards Joker. the bond shuts off, but he doesn’t let go of his mirror’s hand]
Do you know why I keep freaking out at you, of all people, about this?
no subject
[says it so dryly because.
l-lol. he's made all the mistakes already, obviously.]
no subject
No, you idiot. It doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship record.
It’s ‘cause you don’t coddle me.
no subject
that scolding is just going to make him smirk a bit, equally sharp, before he relaxes again.]
Well, you're an idiot but you're not stupid. Stupidity implies a lack of ability to learn.
no subject
[SO DRY]
no subject
You already know you're doing as well as you can be. Even if there's doubt. So mostly you just need someone to point out when you're letting the doubts get to you.
no subject
Yeah.
. . . something like that.
no subject
no subject
I’m allergic to giving straight responses even when you’re right about things.
no subject
... want some?
[holds out his slushie]
no subject
Yeah, okay.
[accepts the slushie with his free hand!1 still holding Joker’s with his other. not letting gooooo]