criminaljustice: (000)
Kurusu Akira ([personal profile] criminaljustice) wrote2018-10-28 01:20 pm
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Imeeji Inbox

This is Boss AKA Joker AKA "Prisoner". Leave a message.
foolmetwice: (pic#12694541)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 09:10 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah, well. . . [a little quiet] You let me in willingly before. . .

[not that that means Joker had to let him in again, but the bond is met with a small twinge of gratefulnes on Mars’s end when he does. underneath that is. . . a constant buzzing of anxiety, like a hive of bees, like the thrum of electricity. it’s low key and easily dismissed, but always there, humming in the background]

[— and Mars would go ahead and focus on what he wants to share, but then there’s Joker’s hurt, and that takes him by surprise enough for his gaze to snap up from their enjoined hands]

Ah. . .
Edited 2019-02-28 21:10 (UTC)
foolmetwice: (pic#12694549)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 09:25 pm (UTC)(link)
[. . .]

[curiosity, a flash of guilt— Joker did just have people running through his Palace after all, and here Mars is one day later coming to him with feelings— before he brushes all that aside and takes in a deep breath]

[. . .]

Do you ever feel like. . . there’s some part of you that’s so instinctual, so grounded, so immutable that every time you try to change it, it feels like swimming against a heavy current? And then you feel like you’re drowning, so you start panicking, start trying to reach out for a lifeline from someone— anyone— wiling to reach out at you in return?

[tttentative hesitation on his end of the bond, the anxiety increasing a bit. Mars is tapping his foot against the ground now, a rapid movement that’s super obnoxious with every beat]
foolmetwice: (pic#12834275)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 09:48 pm (UTC)(link)
[what mirror shenanigans h-haha!1]

[hunches his shoulders a bit and nods]

. . . yeah.

[another beat, and Mars curls his free arm against the table and presses his face against it as he lets go of whatever he was holding back on the buddy bond. and suddenly there’s a flood of absolute terror, the kind that petrifies a person in place and freezes the blood in their veins like ice. it washes over the bond like a rush of cold water, and it’s all directed at one complex web of issues]

[a fear of attachment. a fear of emotional intimacy. a fear of forming bonds, a fear of losing them again, doubt on whether the warmth of a connection is worth the pain of loss and whether the pain of loneliness is really worse than the pain of losing someone you care about]

And they tell you that you don’t have anything to worry about. That they’re going to care about you no matter what. That they’re not going anywhere, that nobody can live free of connections no matter how hard they try, that you’re stupid for trying to keep people at an arm’s length. And it isn’t that you disagree with them, but you can’t help but feel like they don’t quite understand how instinctual it is, and you can’t really explain it ‘cause you don’t have the memories that help you understand why you’re like this. You just know that you are, and every day you’re trying to be better, but no matter how hard you try some part of your heart is always afraid anyway and you know that’s just how it’s gonna be.

[a pause. . .]

I don’t mean to shove all of the emptional competency onto someone else. I get that other people have trouble with feelings, too. It’s not just an issue I have. But—

[. . .]

I’m afraid of fucking up because I self-sabotage in an attempt to protect myself, ‘cause that’s what my instincts tell me to do.
foolmetwice: (pic#12694477)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 10:17 pm (UTC)(link)
[huffs a little, not lifting his head from the table, and just as quickly as the fear rushed into the bond. . . it’s gone again, shoved into the can where it belongs, the lid screwed on as tightly as Mars can manage]

He already knows.

[and now there’s just. . . a sense of wryness on Mars’s part, edged with the slightest sense of contriteness. a bit of an apology, for the intensity of those feelings]
Edited 2019-02-28 22:18 (UTC)
foolmetwice: (pic#12694554)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 10:28 pm (UTC)(link)
[JUST]

[SNORTS IN AMUSEMENT, and then finally lifts his head from his arm, gaze flickering up towards Joker. the bond shuts off, but he doesn’t let go of his mirror’s hand]

Do you know why I keep freaking out at you, of all people, about this?
foolmetwice: (pic#12694565)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 10:33 pm (UTC)(link)
[squeezes his hand a bit sharply, scolding]

No, you idiot. It doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship record.

It’s ‘cause you don’t coddle me.
Edited 2019-02-28 22:33 (UTC)
foolmetwice: (pic#12729727)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 10:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Good to know I’m an old cat who still knows how to learn new tricks.

[SO DRY]
foolmetwice: (pic#12834261)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-02-28 11:07 pm (UTC)(link)
[huffs a little]

Yeah.

. . . something like that.
foolmetwice: (pic#12694483)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-03-05 08:46 pm (UTC)(link)
[HUFFS AGAIN and, just to be contrary—]

I’m allergic to giving straight responses even when you’re right about things.
foolmetwice: (pic#12694457)

[personal profile] foolmetwice 2019-03-05 08:56 pm (UTC)(link)
. . .

Yeah, okay.

[accepts the slushie with his free hand!1 still holding Joker’s with his other. not letting gooooo]