though he does really relax into it until, after trying to figure out what he does want to say or do and just comes up with a blank, his shoulders slump a little and his hold tightens on Silk again.]
it's still more like attempts at controlled release than a dam bursting, but even keeping quiet means that his breathing's harsh and he's sniffing and lifting a hand to rub at his face a bit.]
...Did something happen? They weren't in the game.
[she's still not clear on everything that happened after she died. All she knows is most of the team got killed eventually. She thought Phoenix and Sanguine were safe, though.]
[he's gonna. lean back against the tree or whatever they're sitting next to/against and. wipe at his face, which is definitely a fun mix of bruised, pale, and flushed from everything.]
... when I berserked... after you were killed. Those two and a couple of others tried to get me to calm down or stop.
There was a chase? And then I found someone who wasn't doing well... I was going to fight and eat them, but... someone got my eyes from behind. And I was hit in the collar.
[taps at where lava blood arrow went.]
And the rest is kind of... a blur? Phoenix and Sanguine had hold of me--I was small? But then I wasn't... and I said... a bunch of shit... about how they were just. Throwing themselves at me, risking them getting killed. And I'm just... really tired of it. I'm tired. Of those two doing stupid shit like that. I'm tired... of people saying it's for my sake when they know it just hurts.
I know... and I know... they were thinking of me. Because they didn't want me to eat someone... and regret that. But--and maybe I'm... overthinking it... but being told "we're doing this for your own good"... when I was literally starving to the point of eating my own arm...
[u-uggh doesn't want to think about that doesn't want to but]
They kept insisting they couldn't see another way but I did and it's... fucked up. To be mad about them not seeing the other option. It's fucked up that I thought of it as an option.
How do I ever start that kind of talk? After what happened in that house... it's fucked up...
[I mean, even if she was the heart in the game she has experience with hunger and eating people so she takes all that pretty well. Not shocked or appalled at all.]
You probably would have regretted eating someone. But...you’d regret hurting Sanguine or Phoenix more, right? It makes sense to be mad about that. In that kind of situation it stops being about not hurting people. It’s about what you can forgive yourself for.
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Your eyes...
[that hadn’t even occurred to her]
You couldn’t see him.
[that’s awful??]
The last time you actually saw him...
[he was
being eaten, actually.
That’s even worse]
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he hadn't really meant to make it about him
or really got that far with thinking about it
but that's pretty
horrible
and true
sure did watch a good dog get killed and eaten]
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She pulls back just enough to look at his face. r u ok, boss??
She's pretty sure he's not ok]
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sometimes you just disassociate a little bit because ptsds are a trip like that.]
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Reaches up to pat his cheek]
Boss...
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tries to duck his head but uh. no where to duck to.]
... sorry. I'm--I'll be okay.
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[she sounds a little like she’s going to cry, even if he isn’t going to. This is upsetting it’s ok to be upset??
She pulls him back into a hug]
I don’t need reassurance. You can just say or do whatever you want. Or whatever you need.
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though he does really relax into it until, after trying to figure out what he does want to say or do and just comes up with a blank, his shoulders slump a little and his hold tightens on Silk again.]
... don't got anything...
[to say or do. just. this much is fine.]
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That's okay, too.
[as long as he doesn't apologize when he hasn't done anything wrong.
Anyway now it's her turn to do soothing hair pets]
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he lied.
he's just trying really hard to be quiet about this whole crying business but definitely not able to stop from shaking while he does.
it's... something?]
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She's probably tearing up a little bit herself, honestly.
So no judgment sometimes you gotta feel the feelings.]
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it's still more like attempts at controlled release than a dam bursting, but even keeping quiet means that his breathing's harsh and he's sniffing and lifting a hand to rub at his face a bit.]
I wasn't... thinking about it...
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A lot has been happening.
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That's--that can't keep being the excuse...
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It's not an excuse. It's just the truth. And...that game...is hard to think about.
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Yeah, I--
[oh.
right.
other things he hasn't thought about.]
... I still need to. Talk to Sanguine. And Phoenix. About some shit from then.
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[she's still not clear on everything that happened after she died. All she knows is most of the team got killed eventually. She thought Phoenix and Sanguine were safe, though.]
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... when I berserked... after you were killed. Those two and a couple of others tried to get me to calm down or stop.
There was a chase? And then I found someone who wasn't doing well... I was going to fight and eat them, but... someone got my eyes from behind. And I was hit in the collar.
[taps at where lava blood arrow went.]
And the rest is kind of... a blur? Phoenix and Sanguine had hold of me--I was small? But then I wasn't... and I said... a bunch of shit... about how they were just. Throwing themselves at me, risking them getting killed. And I'm just... really tired of it. I'm tired. Of those two doing stupid shit like that. I'm tired... of people saying it's for my sake when they know it just hurts.
[rubs at his eyes]
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Did they not realize you couldn't be reasoned with?
[maybe they didn't. It's not like people could talk about the game. Still reasoning with angry monsters seems like a bad idea in general.]
They're inclined to play hero a lot, even when it's stupid.
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[u-uggh doesn't want to think about that doesn't want to but]
They kept insisting they couldn't see another way but I did and it's... fucked up. To be mad about them not seeing the other option. It's fucked up that I thought of it as an option.
How do I ever start that kind of talk? After what happened in that house... it's fucked up...
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You probably would have regretted eating someone. But...you’d regret hurting Sanguine or Phoenix more, right? It makes sense to be mad about that. In that kind of situation it stops being about not hurting people. It’s about what you can forgive yourself for.
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time to lean head against her shoulder, immeasurably tired]
... yeah.
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She leans back a little]
I’m sorry you were that hungry, though. When I was in prison...I was hungry the whole time, but...it never got quite that bad.
[probably because they fed her a pretty steady stream of daemons.]
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