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[that works for him, he'll climb inside the cottage and make himself comfortable in the piles of pillows stacked up inside, gently patting next to him once he does for Joker to join him]

I should've brought something, too. I hadn't thought of it.

[gives a snerk at that as he settles in.]

You're providing the shelter, Lily. You're fine.

[but also looking at Lily with some concern because... like... this is a heavy topic. and Lily seems to very on a low.]

... so, I'm just going to say. I'm not very good about... dealing with Bad Enders who've been taken away. The one time I've managed to talk about one of them--it was a while ago.

[was it Oni...? it probably wasn't his place to ask. he'd already been open with Joker about what he'd heard in his heart about Oni, so...]

That's okay. I guess part of me was hoping there were some magic words to make it hurt less, but. You know.

[gently shrugs...]

Iris and Hellebore had been here with me since the beginning of LiliS arriving. I just...

[what do you even say??]

[... what do...

reaches out a hand for Lily's. just placing it easily, so Lily can do what he likes.]

There were five Bad Enders, starting out. Only three of us are left.

We lost Keith really early on--I barely even knew him. I think that's when Phoenix turned up. Then we got Silk. Lost... Oni. [yep. your instincts were correct there] Got Vive and Thorn. Lost Vive. Got... ... I never got that person's name--just their profile that says "Rat", he was gone too quick. Then Tiamat who also left quick. Kanna stayed around for a little while. So did Catra. But they're both gone now. And we have Hades and this new guy I'm calling Anon, he turned up after... [gosh, he hasn't even talked about this one and he's shutting his eyes to get through it] Phoenix... was taken.

Worst of them was... definitely Oni. And Phoenix. And it's because they were so early on--Phoenix might as well have been one of the originals, too.

I don't know if there's magic words, but... that's why I try to stay focused on "get us all out of here in as little of pieces as possible". I want to make sure they all get out, too.

Edited 2019-05-29 02:30 (UTC)

[Lily considers for a moment before fully taking Joker's hand in his, listening, expression soft.]

Bad End seems like a really close group. LiliS is, too. I don't know about everyone, but at least Lavender and I... we consider the others like family. It feels like I lost part of my family. And now my family is going to get replaced.

[closes his eyes for a moment]

If they're missing... how are we going to find them? Are they in other programs? Or are they... gone?

They're not gone.

[this said quietly and firmly because... he's pretty sure.]

I think... some have been sent to other programs. And some... they might be becoming Damned--part of the audience that watches us. But I don't know for certain. And I do know Asmodeus has said it's possibly to bring a soul back from becoming like that.

So they're not gone.

[releases a breath...]

Good.

[debates for a moment before gently leaning against Joker, fingers twined]

Someone already came to replace Iris. I'm not sure when Hellebore left -- I just noticed his profile was gone today, this afternoon. It hurts, that this place thinks it can just replace them, just like that.

[he knows he's only saying things that Joker already knows, though]

I... took another memory today, too.

[a memory on top of this, too...

easily takes Lily's weight and squeezes his hand, encouraging.]

You okay?

[seems dumb to ask but like... more getting an idea of how good or bad the memory was]

...I watched my parents die.

[bad, definitely bad]

Car crash. I don't know how I got out of the car. Not yet, anyways.

[JESUS, LILY

that's... that's really bad.

and Joker saw how young Lily was when he was getting bounced around in a previous memory, so, like...

...]

[time for pulling a soft LiliS in for a solid hug.]

[a whole six years old, staring at the burning wreckage containing his parents mangled bodies, fresh in his mind like it was only yesterday! so fun, right?

he tenses for a moment, just a moment, but immediately softens after, leaning against Joker and pressing his face into his shoulder.]

I keep losing people. And I can't... keep the people around me from dying. I don't like it. Even if here, even if people come back... the pain and suffering stays.

But you're not alone with it.

[that's the key thing he wants--no, needs to drive home. he definitely knows that.]

... I'm... right here.

[he almost says "Mars" but... no. let's be real here. Lily already knows that]

...Yeah. You're right.

[he adjusts his head a little so he can look up at Joker despite remaining snugly against him, eyes soft]

I don't care if I die. Especially if it's to help someone. But I don't want anyone else to die... that's kind of hypocritical, isn't it?

... no. I think that's normal.

But, Lily, you have to know... other people care if you die.

[his expression waivers for a second, as if conflicted]

...Yeah. No one wins when someone dies.

Mm... it's just. Sad.

I'm glad, at least... that Bad End and LiliS came to an agreement.

Maybe we can lessen the deaths, just a little.

[hesitantly, kind of... tucks his face in against the crook Joker's neck, lips brushing softly against his skin as he speaks]

But I... just feel really hopeless, right now. Especially knowing that... anyone I care about can be taken away, just like that.

[things that would be distracting but currently focused on what Lily's saying and trying to think of a way to help...

"that's life" is the only real answer, but that doesn't really help, pointing out the obvious.]

Well. I've been here since the start. And I don't plan to go anywhere until the end. Intensity'd never let me live it down if I didn't make it to endgame.

... and... I have a lot of people here I don't want to leave, so I won't.

[it's not like they really have a choice as to whether they'd get transferred or not, but... still, the reassurance helps, either way. if anyone was gonna remain stubbornly here, despite everything, it would be Joker, or Mars for that matter.]

I have a lot of people I don't want to leave, either.

[including Joker. this might be a bad time for that conversation, though?? he didn't know, he was very sad today.]

I guess the main thing is to just... make use of every day you have with the people you care for. I suppose. And live with no regrets.

Yeah. That's the best anyone can do, in this kind of situation.

... sure you don't need that drink?

[trying for some levity but also... sure you don't need that drink, Lily? delinquent only too happy to help with things like that]

...Maybe just a little.

[that does sound pretty nice...]

All right.

But first--

[gonna pull Lily more into his lap so he can keep this hug-holding thing going while getting the bottle of alcohol. it's nothing fancy, just some. whiskey. he forgot to bring cups for. hm. well. it's fine? it's fine.]

[oh, ok, this is fine. this is quite nice, actually. he settles himself comfortably into Joker's lap, and make grabby hands at the whiskey.

just gonna. take a nice swig straight out of the bottle.]

Why does alcohol taste so bad. God.

[letting him do that, then. gonna stay sober for a bit, mostly so Lily doesn't drink too much.

but arms are going comfortably around Lily's waist while he leans against him a bit.]

No idea. The burn's kinda nice, though.

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